It’s easier to be a Workaholic.

I’ve been given the homework of positive affirmations. I appear ‘happy’ but it’s a lie. 

I fight to ‘appear’ everyday.

I am a workaholic, it is not a strong professional ethic – it is bad behaviour, it is a compulsion to mask my loneliness and the fear of confronting the reality that I haved lived, unparterned, unloved,…etc…for more than 12 years…

I am not a hard worker. I’d rather be in bed, SLEEPING! I fill space with being busy. I keep busy and it’s never enough.

…now I rarely sleep.

I’m vexed by the conditions of my circumstances – they do not match the enormous amount of time, energy, passion, I dispense EVERYDAY! 

So much skill! Little to show for…

I-am-tired.

I feel defeated.

Yet, I still ‘work’ to ignore the signs that I am unwell.

Holistic Mentor, Sandra Turgott from Byond (company), asked me to create three affirmations and repeat them to myself three times a day, for five days.

Deep Sigh.

Every time I hear the word ‘affirmation’ – I roll my eyes. 

Affirmations cannot combat the constant negative circumstances that present themselves every-single-time that something ‘good’ happens in my life. 

I’ve seriously considered changing my name in hopes that would have better luck in life. Seriously. 

• oh and let me not forget the merciless pity, I’ve built in my head since childhood. 

BUT. 

I will try. 

1. I am beautiful.  (she gave this one to me) 

2. I will be a full-time creative entrepreneur. (she suggested this one too)

3. I deserve to be loved, cared for, and compatible with a man that is willing.

Presto.

5:44 a.m.